


No Snow

by tyrantsandcreampuffs



Category: Gundam SEED
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-04-03 02:16:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4082830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyrantsandcreampuffs/pseuds/tyrantsandcreampuffs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cagalli, Athrun, and four Christmases they spent with and without each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Snow

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if they celebrate Christmas in their universe; especially in Orb where their religion is centered on a goddess of fertility, but I can pretend, can't I?
> 
> Now Playing: Tuesday Morning by Michelle Branch

** C.E. 71 **

* * *

I.

It is the day before Christmas and she is alone in a large office which used to be her father's. It still smells of the cigars he would occasionally indulge in and of the special wax he used to seal his documents. There is also the smell of ink and paper and of the man who stayed true to his beliefs until the end.

Cagalli opens her eyes and the artificial lighting momentarily blinds her. She slightly lifts herself up from the leather office chair until her eyes are leveled to where her father's eyes would have been, until she sees what her father used to see. Her eyes wander around the office and there is nothing off with the workplace. The frame with her picture still hangs in the same spot; the clay vase she tried to make when she was younger is still on the small table near the window. A maid comes in and dusts the office in the morning, before she even gets out of bed. There is nothing off and yet the sight is all too hard to take in.

She sits back down and leans forward. The stack of papers on the table is a collective of new bills which she must look over and approve or reject, old laws which her father was supposed to revise, and letters from Kira and Lacus. It has only been three months since the war ended and she is already—or still is—a mess.

Aside from the fountain pen she had received from her father as a present for her thirteenth birthday, there is nothing else in the office which is hers. She spares a minute to wonder how long it will take her to contaminate the area. By next year, maybe; or perhaps she'll find another smaller room in the other wing. The Athha estate  _did_  have too many unopened doors.

"You're not supposed to be here, Cagalli."

Caught up in her thoughts, she did not realize that the door to the office had been opened. She looks up and sees the young and handsome face of Athrun Zala— _no_ , Alex Dino. She has yet to get used to referring to him as such, especially in front of the other parliament members who wanted to find anything which they could use as leverage over her. She doesn't want to get used to calling him anything else other than Athrun— _her_  Athrun.

"You are absolutely right."

He gives her a small smile and she can only imagine his green eyes softening as he looks at her.

"I have your itinerary with me—"

"Kisaka already briefed me on it about ten times yesterday."

He looks to his left and right, checking if there is anyone else in the corridor. After a few seconds, he walks past the doorway and closes the door behind him. Athrun removes the tinted glasses and places them in one of the pockets of his black jacket. Under that jacket, she knows, is a gun that will only be used in the event that she is in danger. Still, the thought of him ever having to resort to violence again is unsettling.

"Then you know you're supposed to be heading to the studio for an interview that's going to be shown tonight. And then you have to be back here at noon to oversee the annual cricket game of the Athha household staff."

"But it will be really hot—"

"And that's coming from the girl who stayed for how long at a desert?" Athrun laughs— _almost_. She knows he is amused and will play along and match her cheekiness. "Come on, the staff has been really looking forward to playing. They've tried to recruit me several times."

"Well, I don't want to go to the dinner afterwards. It'll be full of the snooty nobles who, in the next few months, will try to unseat me."

"You seem to be comfortable in that chair, after all." He tries to jest, but then frowns once he realizes that she must have gone to this room for a reason. "What are you really doing here, Cagalli?"

If a few seconds ago he tried to match her cheekiness, now she tries to match his somberness.

"No one's told you?"

"Told me what?"

"My father used to do that interview segment yearly; and he used to play in the cricket games. As the head of the nation and head of the house, he did those." She reaches for the back of her nape and rubs her palm over it, straightening out the crick that's developed due to her habit of hunching over her paperwork. "I don't know if I can because I've been trying  _really_ hard to fill his shoes, but they're  _really_ big."

When it comes to comforting people, Athrun is not the most knowledgeable. After all, he's yet to grieve for his father. But when it's Cagalli, somehow he knows just what to say and do.

He takes slow and long strides toward her and stops when he's right beside her. He bends down and slides his arms around her slender frame. Cagalli had taught him that hugs are the best medicine, not laughter. Athrun learns to agree with her philosophy on the ninth night after the war, after he woke up from a nightmare and she wrapped her lithe arms around his torso.

"If you see the party to the end, I promise to take you away."

She thinks it might be awkward for him to bend down so lowly to reach her while she's seated; so she gets on her feet and returns his hug.

Cagalli feels like they held each other for hours, but later Kisaka tells her that it took them six minutes to open the door.

* * *

II.

He is true to his promise and takes her away. She did not realize how much she has missed the feeling of the wind in her short tresses, but as he takes his hand off the stick shift and reaches for hers, she imagines how life would be if she could truly run away.

Cagalli closes her eyes and petrichor fills her nose with its earthy smell. In space, everything smelled of metal and sanitizer. The Athha estate smelled like bleach and flowers—like a hospital setting where one was sick; while the parliament building smelled of corrupted old men and pine-scented air freshener.

"With the way you're so deep in thought, Cagalli, I think you're the real hamster-brain between the two of us."

She opens her eyes and this time the only light is from the moon above them and from the headlights of his car, and suddenly she feels like the teenager she is supposed to be—young, wild, and reckless. She is still the girl who runs blindly into the battlefield, bearing her heart, unafraid of fighting for what she believes is right.

And at the moment, being alone with Athrun—being with the only one who understood how she felt—and holding his hand and considering the notion that she is falling in love with the boy she pointed a gun at twice…

"You are absolutely right."

* * *

** C.E. 72 **

* * *

III.

When he thinks she has been overworking herself, Athrun drags Cagalli out of her office chair and practically shoves her into the passenger seat. She doesn't complain because she  _is_  very tired whenever he resorts to giving her the brief retreat she so often needs; and the half-hour he spends holding her while they sit on the hood of his car is her favorite reward for all the work she does every day.

Every time they go out, Athrun drives the same route up the mountains. They pass by the orphanage as they go up to the cliff that she now believes is hallowed ground because of what the place means to her. Cagalli does not know where it is situated exactly as the area isn't paved, but she knows that  _this_  is where she falls in love with him more and more.

They are together almost every hour of every day; but it is only on these nights that they think that they are really with each other because during the mornings he is Alex Dino, the bodyguard with an unknown past, while she is Cagalli Yula Athha, sovereign of the Orb Union.

But right now he is Athrun and she is  _just_  Cagalli, two teenagers whose fates are undoubtedly entangled.

"Did you receive a letter from Lacus?"

She blinks repetitively until her eyelids are no longer drooping from the weight of her work. Once again they are sitting on the hood of his car with her back is on his chest and his jaw is on the crown of her head. This is as intimate as they get—she hasn't made any attempt to kiss him because the first and last time he kissed her, he meant to say  _you are so weird_.

"Yeah, I did. Are you going to the orphanage?"

"If you are, then I have to."

She frowns. "I won't be going there as an Athha."

He holds her closer to him. "Whether you go as  _you_  or as the chief representative, I'll be there with you."

She takes in the _feel_  of him: the way the muscles in his arm relaxes on her sides while his hands hold hers, the way his chest expands and collapses as he collects fresh air in his lungs, the way he is human, the way he is still living despite everything he's been through.

"Because you will  _always_  be by my side." She tries her best to sound nonchalant, but he still catches onto her sarcastic tone because he knows her well enough to know when she's trying to hide how she feels.

"I told you I would protect you, didn't I?"

"Yes, but—"

"But nothing." He makes her face him and all she sees is the conviction in his eyes. But convinced of  _what_ , exactly? "I make good on all of my promises."

Cagalli doesn't budge despite of his sureness.

"You promised to marry Lacus, did you not?"

"The circumstances of that arrangement were different! Cagalli, you know she's like a sister to me."

"Then what does that make me to you?"

A few heartbeats later, Athrun kisses her again.

* * *

IV.

Get up.  _You know what to do, Cagalli; you've done this before._  Television segment. Staff luncheon. Cricket game. Dinner with nobles.  _If you see the party to the end, I promise to take you away._

She finishes the day and soon enough she's back on the road with him, her hand in his as she looks out into the dark night sky. There is no snow in Orb; there is only the colder breeze of the tropics as the year comes to a close.

_Answer door. Walk to garage. Get into car. Drive away. Fall asleep in the middle of the ride. Wake up on the cliff. Get out of the car. Climb on the hood. Hold each other. Kiss. Rinse and repeat._

Since when did their once romantic actions become so terribly banal? As much as she loves  _him_  and his thoughtfulness, she realizes that a year's worth of driving to the same area and not doing anything else is just as bad as cooping up in her office and going through almost the same agenda every day.

"Is something the matter?"

For him, she thinks, it must work, because he likes looking out for her. He plays the role of a bodyguard so perfectly that it's hard to imagine any actual danger coming to either of them. Athrun must think that running away temporarily can solve their problems, but what she really wants is a longer vacation. Maybe at the orphanage with Kira and Lacus, maybe at the summer house she hasn't gone to in forever; maybe up in space, but people will recognize him there.

"I don't want to be alone."

She doesn't know why she says it, but she does. Cagalli can never be  _not_  sincere with Athrun, and sometimes her bluntness causes him to be emotionally distressed, but he—ever the perfect gentleman—does not show it. But she  _knows_  what upsets him just as he knows what upsets her.

"You're not. You may have lost your father over a year ago, but you have an entirely new family, don't you? You have the mercenaries you fought with in the desert, the soldiers you commanded in the war, all the staff workers in your estate and in the parliament, and those children in the orphanage. You have Kira and Lacus. You have me."

She has him.

"You will always have me."

 _Always_ , she thinks bitterly. Her father never promised that. In fact, he would often remind her that he was not going to be always there for her.

But Cagalli has to keep telling herself that Athrun isn't her father, she isn't her father; and Athrun isn't his father. They are Athrun and Cagalli and nobody else but themselves.

* * *

V.

_Please don't drive me home tonight._

How could he ever say no to her?

* * *

** C.E. 73 **

* * *

VI.

"My honey, I've come back from Scandinavia!"

Cagalli's amber eyes widen and she is panicking; her eyes flit from Athrun's to Yuna's and then to the carpeted floor of the parliament building. From the way her eyebrows are scrunched and her fists are balled, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that she's upset.

The purple-haired man introduces himself as an emir, as the heir of the Seirans, one of the few noble houses of Orb. He introduces himself as Cagalli's fiancé.

"Thank you for taking care of my dear Cagalli for me while I was away,  _Alex_." Yuna glares at him as he is obviously threatened by the presence of— _what were you again, a coordinator?_  He softens his gaze once he reaches for Cagalli's hair and attempts to tuck it behind her ear, but she flinches away from his touch as soon as there is contact. "And not a scratch on her! You wouldn't mind transferring to my guards instead, would you?"

Athrun doesn't know how to respond to that, but luckily she answers for him.

"He's  _mine_ , Yuna. We're not eight year olds anymore; you can't just take my things like you used to—"

"Are you still bitter over the time I took your puppy?"

"She was my pet!"

"Your father didn't seem to mind that I took her from you."

Yuna and Cagalli have only been reunited for a few minutes and already they have spoken more to each other than Cagalli and Athrun do on most days. The fact saddens him but here in Orb he is a lowly commoner bodyguard; he knows who he is supposed to be and where he stands and right now, apparently, he is in the way of an engagement.

"Would you like me to leave you two alone,  _Representative_?"

"No—"

"That would be a good idea,  _Alex_. I'll take care of her in your stead." Yuna smiles— _leers_  at him. He puts his arm around Cagalli's shoulders and when she doesn't flinch but instead looks away from Athrun, the blue-haired coordinator feels a heavy weight on his chest that is familiar but somehow new.

* * *

VII.

Cagalli accepts that she will be a perpetual mess. No matter how hard she tries, she will always screw everything up. She is not perfect; she makes mistakes from what she believes are good judgments.

The finger in her left hand is bare. There is no ruby ring, nothing left to remind her of another life that could have been if they weren't who they were. Athrun is no longer at her side. He chose to leave her for a greater purpose which she's  _sure_  he's not sure of himself.

_You will always have me._

Liar, liar, liar.

There is someone knocking on her door and  _it's time_. She gets up from her chair, the trail of her white gown billowing faintly as she stands. Cagalli looks into the mirror for the last time, takes in the sight of her supposedly pretty self. In the mirror, her face is covered with makeup, her hair is straightened out to look decent, her torso is covered with tight fabric—whether that is the cause of the pain in her chest, she isn't too sure. But more importantly, her finger is bare.

There is nothing left to remind her of another life that could have been.

* * *

VIII.

"Will you forgive me?"

She remembers the last time she saw him badly injured. They found the Strike blown up into burnt scraps of metal and his body lying on the beach. While he was asleep, she paced the small room and played with the safety of her gun. She wanted to kill him for killing Kira.

This time, she could not stop crying. They have lost each other so many times during this new war but it has never occurred to her that losing him could be permanent, and she has never known a greater fear; she could lose all her power or shame the name of Athhas—she is the last of her house, after all. Nothing else will ruin her more than finding out that he is  _gone_.

"I should be the one apologizing."

When she leaves and heads out to the battlefield with her new golden mobile suit, it is his turn to fear for her. Despite his rashness, Shinn is one of the best pilots Athrun has met. And watching Cagalli—the girl he would tease for dying within thirty seconds with his battle history on the simulator—fight the younger and impulsive teenager, watching her unit almost get hit by one of the beam boomerangs…

She has an entire nation and he only has her.

And Athrun knows that the thing she treasures most is the peace of not just Orb, but that of the world. He will fight for those ideals and lay down his life to see her dreams come true. He can see the concern in the eyes of Kira and Lacus, who will also fight in their own ways, but he simply smiles as he watches Cagalli's retreating figure.

"There's no need to rush."

He tells them this much because this time he is  _sure_. He is sure of what he believes in and he is sure of how he feels for her. He is sure that whatever they have is stronger now because of all they've been through. He is sure that this war will end and they'll be together again.

"Our dreams are the same."

But what he does not know is that hers have changed.

"Please take care of him."

* * *

IX.

It is the day before Christmas and she is alone in her father's office. Everything in the room is the same as it was two years ago. Nothing in the room is truly hers except for the fountain pen and the bottle of ink she bought to replace the one she finished up. Stacks of papers come and go; people come and go. Every corridor of the estate has ghosts. There is no permanence in this room. And yet…

The war ended less than two weeks ago and still they are trying to push through with her annual interview. She groans in frustration and rubs the back of her neck. Breathes in and out. Opens and closes her eyes.

"You're not supposed to be here, Cagalli."

She wishes it is Athrun's voice she hears, but it is only Kisaka she sees when she peeks through her curled lashes.

"I ran through your itinerary with you at least ten times yesterday."

Cagalli gets up from her father's chair and puts on her shoes.

_If you see the party to the end, I promise to take you away._

"I know where I'm supposed to be."

* * *

** C.E. 74 **

* * *

X.

"You still haven't talked to him?"

The answer is  _no_ , she hasn't.

"Come on, Cagalli." Lacus reaches for her hand in such a sisterly manner that imagining Lacus as her sister-in-law isn't hard at all. She sees the silver band around Lacus's slim finger and remembers a time when dreaming of love wasn't too difficult either. "It's been a year since the end of the war. I'm sure he's tried to contact you somehow."

She wants to tell her that he has.  _At least a hundred times_. But it is her fear of losing him—whether to war or to someone else—that makes her shut him out. She will not admit this to Kira or Lacus, who have stayed strong together despite everything around them. Her pride will not allow her to.

"It isn't like Athrun to just let you go." Kira remarks after a while. "You mean the world to him."

Cagalli wants nothing else but to believe in their words.  _Athrun loves you_  is what they are trying to say, but she doesn't know what it is that she's supposed to feel from that fact—if that could be considered the truth at all.

"Well, I need to go to the studio now." She stands from the sofa in the modest receiving area of the orphanage. Kira and Lacus walk her out, their concern for her and Athrun too evident on their perpetually peaceful faces. "Merry Christmas."


End file.
